I'm alive.

And I am okay.

Mother's Day continued...

Totally uneventful. A normal day. Maybe someday my kids will make a macaroni necklace, but this year they have no idea what's going on.

I'm really excited about these shoes I got for $3 dollars at Salvation Army.
If I tip my camera just right it looks like I'm in a fun house mirror, or maybe my head is that small.

Me and little Max. He's trying to escape.

I painted gnomes for the garden with the kids today. When I wasn't looking Evie gave herself a pedicure with acrylics. Pretty good for a 2 year old!

And I love my new curtains! They're the ones that have been on my wish list for over a year. I went to Ikea and they were in the As-Is section, 75% off, nothing wrong with them, and they were the ONLY ones! Yay!

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

4 generations of women.

You are appreciated

When I was young me and my mama had beef

Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets

Though back at the time, I never thought I'd see her face

Ain't a woman alive that could take my mama's place

Suspended from school; and scared to go home, I was a fool

with the big boys, breakin all the rules

I shed tears with my baby sister

Over the years we was poorer than the other little kids

And even though we had different daddy's, the same drama

When things went wrong we'd blame mama

I reminice on the stress I caused, it was hell

Huggin on my mama from a jail cell

And who'd think in elementary?

Heeey! I see the penitentiary, one day

And runnin from the police, that's right

Mama catch me, put a whoopin to my backside

And even as a crack fiend, mama

You always was a black queen, mama

I finally understand

for a woman it ain't easy tryin to raise a man

You always was committed

A poor single mother on welfare, tell me how ya did it

There's no way I can pay you back

But the plan is to show you that I understand

You are appreciated

Lady... Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady

Dear mama

Place no one above ya, sweet lady

You are appreciated

Don't cha know we love ya?

And Dear Mama,

Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair

No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there

He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger

wouldn't let me feel for a stranger

They say I'm wrong and I'm heartless, but all along

I was lookin for a father he was gone

I hung around with the Thugs, and even though they sold drugs

They showed a young brother love

I moved out and started really hangin

I needed money of my own so I started slangin

I ain't guilty cause, even though I sell rocks

It feels good puttin money in your mailbox

I love payin rent when the rent's due

I hope ya got the diamond necklace that I sent to you

Cause when I was low you was there for me

And never left me alone because you cared for me

And I could see you comin home after work late

You're in the kitchen tryin to fix us a hot plate

Ya just workin with the scraps you was given

And mama made miracles every Thanksgivin

But now the road got rough, you're alone

You're tryin to raise two bad kids on your own

And there's no way I can pay you back

But my plan is to show you that I understand

You are appreciated

Pour out some liquor and I reminsce, cause through the drama

I can always depend on my mama

And when it seems that I'm hopeless

You say the words that can get me back in focus

When I was sick as a little kid

To keep me happy there's no limit to the things you did

And all my childhood memories

Are full of all the sweet things you did for me

And even though I act craaazy

I gotta thank the Lord that you made me

There are no words that can express how I feel

You never kept a secret, always stayed real

And I appreciate, how you raised me

And all the extra love that you gave me

I wish I could take the pain away

If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day

Everything will be alright if ya hold on

It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on

And there's no way I can pay you back

But my plan is to show you that I understand

You are appreciated

- the man, the myth, the legend.. Tupac Shakur

loneliness

"Dear Astrid, Don't tell me how you hate your new foster home. If they're not beating you, consider yourself lucky. Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception... The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way. Moo."

white oleander, janet fitch

Dear Everyone,

Not sure who the artist is, but I definitely need one of these hanging in my bedroom.

Places Max Has Wrote His Name

I'm so proud of my little boy, writing his name and drawing his self portrait, but for fuck sake he sneaks crayons and draws it on EVERYTHING.

To name a few places: door ways, doors, walls in every room of the house, our brazilian cherry wood floors, the couch, baby gates, toys, my car, his sister, etc.

edited to add: sliding glass door.

The Secret!

Today I went to my grandparents' house, the first time I have been there since my grandma passed away last Sunday. After my grandpa died in January, her health immediately went on a decline, and two days after she was placed on hospice she died. I will go into more detail later, I'm not ready to write about it yet. Anyway, grandpa always kept his tools/garage organized, I would say mildly, no majorly, OCD. His workshop has pretty much just sat dormant for the last years of his life, since his hands stopped listening to him. I thought he would appreciate it if I cleaned it out and organized it a little bit, so I did. Here's a couple shots of the OCD... This cabinet has always bothered me, the "KEEP OUT!!!" has been plaguing me for years.Upon closer inspection...Seriously? That's the big freaking secret?! Paint brushes? No weed? No hidden cigarettes after quitting years ago? Just paint brushes?! Hell.

More OCD lists, he kept an inventory of EVERYTHING.
Max took the camera and told Evie to pose, she started doing this weird, zombie, thriller dance. I tried to copy, but she is far superior.

Elaborate Lives

We all lead such elaborate lives
wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives
days apart and hurried nights
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don’t want to live like that
seems quite unbelievable to me
I don’t want to love like that
I just want our time to be
slower and gentler, wiser, free

We all live in extravagant times
playing games we can’t all win
Unintended emotional crimes
Take some out, take others in

I’m so tired of all were going through
I don’t want to live like that
I’m so tired of all were going through
I don’t want to love like that
I just want to be with you
Now and forever , peaceful, true
This may not be the moment
to tell you face to face
But I could wait forever
for the perfect time and place

We all lead such elaborate lives
We don’t know whose words are true
Strangers, lovers, husbands, wives
Hard to know who’s loving who

Too many choices tear us apart
I don’t want to live like that
Too many choices tear us apart
I don’t want to love like that
I just want to touch your heart
May this confession
Be the start

Perpetual Anxiety

I don't know whether I am coming or going. The uncertainty of things seems to be worse than the possible outcomes. It seems I am packing up and then unpacking my emotional baggage daily. I want so badly to just be at peace with the horrible choices I have made, but when it relies on someone else it becomes a waiting game. At what point should I decide to take the reigns of my life and cut my losses?

On Love

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert A. Heinlein

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” — Elbert Hubbard

Ode to Sadness

Sadness, scarab
with seven crippled feet,
spiderweb egg,
scramble-brained rat,
bitch’s skeleton:
No entry here.
Don’t come in.
Go away.
Go back
south with your umbrella,
go back
north with your serpent’s teeth.
A poet lives here.
No sadness may
cross this threshold.
Through these windows
comes the breath of the world,
fresh red roses,
flags embroidered with
the victories of the people.
No.
No entry.
Flap
your bat’s wings,
I will trample the feathers
that fall from your mantle,
I will sweep the bits and pieces
of your carcass to
the four corners of the wind,
I will wring your neck,
I will stitch your eyelids shut,
I will sew your shroud,
sadness, and bury your rodent bones
beneath the springtime of an apple tree.

-Pablo Neruda

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.
— Chuck Klosterman

8 things meme

My blog friend Angela tagged me, and I am having a hard time filling this out right now, I thought I could be more self centered! I will go back and fill more in when I'm feeling better.

8 Things I'm looking forward to:

1. Seeing The Business on the 8th
2. Memorial weekend
3. Getting over this hump
4. Buying a new bathing suit and going to the beach
5. My mom coming back in town
6. Making more money
7.
8.


8 things I did yesterday:

1. Saw my grandma for the last time, she died this morning
2. Watched my son ride a big boy bike with training wheels for the first time
3. Had my power go out
4. Cried
5. Did a whole house full of dirty dishes for Paul
6. Slept
7. Died a little bit


8 things I wish I could do:

1. Be "normal"
2. Cure cancer
3. and diabetes
4. and world hunger
5.
6.
7.
8.


8 shows I watch:
1. Big Brother
2. Project Runway
3. Top Chef
4. Rock of Love
5.
6.
7.
8. I don't really watch more than 8 shows anymore...


I tag the Pope, and Castro. Wait, what do you mean they don't read my blog?

Where You Can Find Me On The Weekdays

Today's Bar Stool Romantic

…We would look out over the immense sea, full of white-flecked and green reflections, the two of us leaning side by side on the railing, each of us far away, flying in his own aircraft to the stratospheric regions of his own dreams. There we understood that our vocation, our true vocation, was to move for eternity along the roads and seas of the world. Always curious, looking into everything that came before our eyes, sniffing out each corner but only ever faintly - not setting down roots in any land or staying long enough to see the substratum of things; the outer limits would suffice.

Ernesto Che Guevara, The Motorcycle Diaries.

My Lover; my killer

I'm not sure where this one is from, but it's hot.

Fernando Vicente

Dear crappy Michigan hail,

I want to trade you in for a tulip field, which I look at from a hot air balloon ride in Holland!

Thierry Mugler Hotfit

I would totally wear the outfit on the left to the Woodward Dream Cruise.

Things That Make Me Happy, Part 1

Always the cynic, I started making a list when I was in a bad mood yesterday of thing that make me miserable. After I started writing I decided I will try to be positive and make a list of things that make me happy. Here's what I can think of so far.

GRAPEFRUIT

Probably my favorite drink ever is a fresh squeezed grapefruit in a full glass of water. No sugar. SO good. I like to have one each morning, if I don't have any grapefruit I groan and use lemon instead.

SEWING/VISUALLY APPEALING TEXTILES

I love to sew, especially wee little dresses for my tot. Whenever I see a bright, fantastic textile I become inspired, and that makes me happy.

BEING FRUGAL

You would think that spending money would make me happy, but the rush I get is from where I save. I never buy clothing over ten dollars, everything is from the clearance rack. I seriously love walking out of the store, getting in my car, and looking at the discount on the receipt. Especially with grocery shopping, where the "money saved" is on there. It gives me an adrenaline rush (weird, right?)

TATTOOS

As a cutter who has never cut, tattoos are to me what Listerine is to an alcoholic. It's allowed, but it's still getting an otherwise frowned on fix. I love the way they look, but especially the way they feel, it it very arousing to me to get the actual tattoo, but the burn that follows 2 weeks afterward is absolutely heavenly.

CLEAN HOUSE/HOME DECOR

I am a true believer that is your surroundings are cluttered, your inner self will be cluttered. I like to practice feng shui, and keep my house very clean. When I get into a made bed, I sleep better, when I eat in a clean kitchen, the food tastes better. I don't take no mess. I am also a minimalist when it comes to "things" and knick knacks.

BONFIRES

The smell of a bonfire is one of the best smells. I was a pyro when I was younger, I just love to watch things burn. Bottom line.

SHOES

I love shoes, I love the way they smell new, the way the look, especially a tall, platform heel.

GARDENING/GRASS/LEAVES

I love any yard work, being out in my vegetable garden, raking and burning the leaves, or mowing the lawn are instant anxiety relievers for me.

MUSIC

Music has saved my life. Daily. Every memory I have I associate with some album, band, or song. One day I will own every CD to complete my life soundtrack, and it's going to be huge. It will be in a library. Expertly organized.

COOKING

Something I'm actually good at, cooking. I love cooking for other people especially.

to be continued...

Jack Speaks My Mind

I have eaten beef stew with silent, shabby men in cheap eateries and fingered the last two pennies in my pocket with anger and irony … I have dined most sumptuously in a spacious Park Avenue home, duck brought forth in silver dishes by a butler … I have seen $.10 movies on Times Square, seated in the first row of the balcony in shirtsleeves, smoking and laughing … under a lashing rain and gale, I have gazed at the angry mid-Atlantic for a moment, pausing in my labours … I have stood on a Liverpool street corner in the middle of a drowsy afternoon and cursed the cobbles because the pubs had closed … I have made love to women in Canada, Washington, D.C., Nova Scotia, England, Greenland, New York City, Maryland and New England … I have lain drunk in the gutter of a street … I climbed a mountain in Greenland and gazed down on the slim ribbon of Ikatek Fjord … I have toiled in the sun on construction jobs from Portsmouth, New Hampshire to Alexandria, Virginia … I have attended cocktail parties in New York City penthouses … I have worked in mills … I have worked in garages … I have sold door to door … I have worked as a reporter on a newspaper … I have starved in a cheap urine-smelling room in Hartford, CT … I have dated actresses, models and social workers … I have brawled in streets, in bar entrances and in cafeterias … I have heard great symphonies and been transported … I have walked the streets, a lonely U.S. Navy gob and sought women … I have languished in hospitals and shuffled cards in melancholy abstraction … I have written reams and reams of writings … and through it all, I have always been restless, unhappy and seeking new horizons. What shall I do?

The Romanticist Jack Kerouac, September 1943.

My Awesome Dress Find

My favorite clothes are post apocalyptic looking, have pockets, have hoods, are dresses, and are under ten dollars. Hard find, right? Hell yeah it is. Well, I found a dress with all of my requirements at Target the other day! For just $8!! Nobody likes it except me, but that's what matters, right? Max took some pictures of me today (he loves taking pics). He cut my head off in the first one...

yes, I AM Casper the friendly ghost. I refuse sunlight, spf 60 for me. I am horribly afraid of skin cancer. The collar is the best, it unbuttons into a water proof hood.

And here's one with my photographer.